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| ~~Saturday, April 30, 2005~~ |
| ~~Your not lookin' like you used to...~~ |
| Ho hum, been a while since I used my pita. I'm pretty sure that at this point no one reads it.
Nope, nothing in particular to say really, just thought I'd check it out for old times sake and all that.
I miss the layout of pitas though, I like how easy it is to manipulate the layout, and that you can do it for free, that's the problem with LJ. But I guess since LJ is all coded out it makes it all snazzy and attractive. I've been meaning to copy my entries from here to there for back up purporses. But also, I was thinking of starting a review blog and I thought Pitas would be ideal, but then there are so many review sites so... maybe not.
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| ~~Angel Mercury wavers to everyone @ 11:32 p.m.~~ |
| ~~Saturday, March 12, 2004~~ |
| ~~Some things are better left unsaid...~~ |
| Moved from LJ because of content...
[ mood | pushed ]
[ music | BareNaked Ladies ]
A large part of me would like to say "MY ASS!" but then I see that little girl crying in a dark corner fighting to hold onto the last little bit.
I was going to let this lie, not say anything and let it die (Oooo, scary I'm getting poetic...). I considered for just a second that I make this private but that's far from my style and in ways against my princables. Of course that probably just means that this becomes a vague mish mosh of unsaid, unclear words to be confussed with more words and situations. And I would let it lie, if I considered this to be an actual conversation with another, but this journal is a conversation with the little parts of me that like to come out and play every once in a while, and if I say nothing at all it will bother me for nights on end.
Hrm, Hrm, I'm losing track of my thoughts, and that's probably for the best anyhow. Or maybe all I wanted to be clear on was that things of this nature do bother me. I was at a point, a momment where I was willing to step away. I could've gone in a thousand directions, but I was waiting for something. It never came, and I stopped waiting for anything at all. That is why I Can live with myself. After all, I already took my turn at it.
Maybe it's out of fear of a wounded pride, maybe I'm afriad what little ego I have will crumble, or maybe it's out of pure self abuse. I think I do understand why somenights I can't breath, why it hurts to be alive, but that is one answer I Will Not give to Anyone. Some sufferings we like to cherish as our own forever.
Oh the number of directions we travel, Oh the many meanings we give our words. |
| ~~Angel Mercury 12:26 a.m.~~ |
| ~~Saturday, January 17, 2004~~ |
| ~~Sometimes I wish, for a mistake...~~ |
| Mm.. so I was a little drunk earlier and ended up more or less by my self with some dramas. Two things that tend to bring out the more depressing sides of me... and if I'm not going crazy and confussed about time, I'm possibly PMSin, but that I'm unsure of cause my book is not in my hands at the momment... Blah Blah Blah...
Erm.. I had gotten rather upset not too long ago about some stuff, nothing special, just the typical stuff, but now my head hurts from tears. I think I should sleep some now as apposed to watching more dramas as origenally planned. Oh well, I was going to write something, but I think now I don't know what that was. I do however know just what I need to think about/do to get me in the right mood for painting and animating sad stuff. ‚©‚ñ‚Ø‚«I |
| ~~Angel Mercury pokes around @ 5:15 a.m.~~ |
| ~~Thursday, December 4, 2003~~ |
| ~~When Love hurts, it won't work...~~ |
| There was something I was thinking, something I had on my mind. Maybe it's better that it's passing now, but it leaves a residue of tightness in my chest that reminds me that it isn't good.
I'm putting off schedualling an appointment with a counciler. Part of me wants to go, and part doesn't. I feel like if I went I wouldn't be able to give a good enough explination of why I should be going, but I know why. I'd just rather not say.
To be honest, I'm scared. I'm afraid I'd have to make choices, ones I'm not interested in making. I'd rather sit here and dream about things as they are. I'd like to be greedy, I want to have it all, but the world doesn't work that way. I can't help but wonder at the posibilities, and I can't help wanting to know if it's true, but even if it was...
I'm scared that the more you love someone, the more you need them to be close, the sooner they'll leave you. They always do. I'm afraid to let go, and love with everything I have again. I don't want to lose anymore, so instead I'll just miss out. That's not what I want either, but that's how it goes when you're a little fucked. I wish I was even more fucked like I used to be, then I could chase people away more effetianly and prove myself right all the time.
I'm tired. Tired of being scared, and tired of the pain in my chest... |
| ~~Angel Mercury holds tight @ 11:41 p.m.~~ |
| ~~Thursday, November 20, 2003~~ |
| ~~So much Laundry to do...~~ |
| It's been one of those evenings... the ones I don't like. That slight awkwardness, and a little wish... And the crushing pain in my chest comes back. I feel so alone on a train filled with strangers and I look down out the windows of the doors at the street below, hoping that we'll take the turn a little too fast and I can watch the ground rush to hold me. It's these thoughts that garentee me a life of purpectual unhappiness as I can't be greatful for what I'm given.
Every so often I hope that some lucky stranger will find me in an alley and do me the favor of removing my rotting heart. There's a gapping hole in it that oozes all the happiness that gets poured into it, and I feel like I'll never be satisfied. I thought once there was a plug fit for it, but I know now that even that one would have curoded around the edges until it leaked once more.
Fuck me and my self pitty! Fuck me for always looking the wrong direction. I hope it kills me yet.
Pardon my foolish ranting, but I have to say it somewhere... |
| ~~Angel Mercury coughs @ 11:32 p.m.~~ |
| ~~Friday, October 3, 2003~~ |
| ~~just a little quicky here~~ |
| I hadn't realized it's been so long since I wrote here. I've been keeping up more in my Live Journal I guess mostly cause all my freinds seem to have accounts. I still complain and vent there, but I seem to hold back somewhat, and I also write stuff when I'm in a goofy mood too. I'm not really so unhappy now as I was a little earlier but I thought I'd update non the less.
For those who my be reading but didn't know about the LJ, I went to Six Flags on aug. 2nd and met a guy named Ryan, actually his first name is William which kinda freaked me out but still. Anyhow, I was lucky since Rocky didn't go, otherwise I think things might've gone a little different. We ended up exchanged emails and while at first I was a little hesitant, we ended up geting together. He's very kind and generous, and very suportive. But even though I've fallen for him, I'm still hurting from Rocky. I think part of that is because I have to see him now. I'll explain...
Eventually Rocky and I exchanged our stuff back, that really sucked cause I had gotten mad a night or two before then and had acted really childish so I ended up feeling foolish and apologizing, even though I felt like I had a right to be angry. So occasionally he would IM me. When school started I realized that anytime I goto animation I'm going to end up seeing him. This sucks cause it still hurts me everytime, and sometimes my chest gets that tightness in it like before, though it's not as bad now. And then of course I ran into him on the elevator to class on monday as well, which means that I'll will probably see him then too. It's not that I can't be civil, or that I don't care, it's that I don't want to care anymore. It's not my place to care and so I can't see him, or talk to him like I used to. I went from number one to just some girl, it hurts, and it doesn't stop hurting.
Well tonight I had class and I guess he has a new girl friend cause she was there visiting him at the cage when I got out of class. At first I didn't know, but then I saw them interacting and so on and I realized. That would explain why he stopped IMing me. I know I shouldn't care because I'm seeing someone now, but it doesn't matter, he was the first person to ever make me feel truely safe and I wanted more than anything to share my life with him, and his with me. I can't forget that, it'll always be a part of me, something I both mourn and cheerish.
My point is, well I guess there are a couple. Over the summer I hoped to see him or run into him. I'd have given anything for some chance encounter, now I can't bare it and I'm seeing him all over the place. I'll always have the greatest love for him, there will never be anyone quite the same, that's just how these things go, but it's not my place to care for him anymore. So I'd rather not know and simply hope for the best. I knew he'd start dating someone eventually and I knew it would break my heart to know, but I never wanted to see her, or know her name, or meet her. I don't want someone else to be angry at or bitter with or claim to hate. But of course since he still works at school he would tell her to drop by.
I'm tired of this kind of shit. I wish I could make it stop already, I'd like to just let it all pass so that I can look back and say, 'It was a really nice time'. |
| ~~Angel Mercury passes out @ 4:06 a.m.~~ |
| ~~Friday, July 25, 2003~~ |
| ~~The Rose Will Fade When Summers Gone...~~ |
| I was planning on bloging sooner but as my mood changes so does my desire to talk about it. Lately I've been sleeping a lot, at weird times. I wasn't sure why at first but I think now that it's because I want to avoid thinking as it usually leads me to start thinking unhappy thoughts until I'm so depressed I can't stop from crying at least a little. Geez I'm just rediculous. Half the time I wish there was someone here to cry on, the other half I don't want to see or talk to anyone. But I suppose that's only when I'm down. When I'm up nothing could be better, or it could be but I'm not worried that it won't be. I've decided that I hate Summer the way I hate California. It's something that will give me nothing but trouble, but none the less I'm going to have to live in it. At least summer will end soon. I had really hoped for a wonderful summer full of those silly sweet things that happy people do, But of course I haven't had a real summer for years, and they're never fun and relaxing. Even while I was in Japan it wasn't relaxing. I was in school and though there were many fun times, it was stressing cause I missed home and I couldn't really go out with the friends that I'd made on the trip cause I'd have to be home by a certain time and so on. Not that it wasn't beautiful, and I'd never regret going, but It wasn't a fun relaxing summer. Fall means trouble too, but it doesn't seem to have as negitive conotations for me. My life has begun and ended in fall many times, while my life has only ended in the summer. Seeing as how much has changed and how dead I feel now, I can only assume that Something will start in the fall. The Japanese have a term 'End of Summer' as well. It generally refers to the end of ones childhood or innocence and the beginng of adult or young adult life. I don't know how better to explain it yet, but it's that feeling of something dieing away and having to move to something else... Wakarimasu?
Last Saturday was strange. I really hate being single. Not because I can't handle being alone (though I don't like that part either) but because as soon as you're single suddenly everyone wants to put you on the market. I don't know how many times and how many people have said something like 'she available!' or 'Why not date him?' or 'Just have some fun and hang out with 'em'. I fucking hate that shit. I'm not here to be offered to everyone. I know this sounds rediculous considering how much I'd like to be with someone, but it's not Someone I wanna be with, it's a person I like to be with I want. I guess I sound picky, but it's never led me astray before. Of course at the moment (and I know I'm not the only person who feels this way ever) I'm very certain that the people I'm interessted in are very Not interessted in me, and the people I'm not interessted in are. Then there are the people who are like, Oh yeah you're great, it's fun being with you, lets hang out 'get together' and when you tell them you're not interessted like that they don't ever say anything to you again. Kiss my @$$, obviously you didn't like spending time with me. Then there's the whole weirdness with Josh's friends wanting to ask me out and stuff. Don't get me wrong, they're wonderful people but I'm really just not interessted. I mean honestly, it kinda creeped me out. I donno, I think something about the fact that I've always known that certain parties are interessted and sorta have been biding they're time. That and that I've grown up with them and such. I'm not one for friends boxes, but if I'm not interessted, then you're staying a friend and it has nothing to do with me not dating friends (as we covered I seem to do that to my own demise), it's more like these people are like family... and I donno, bleh!
Honestly, I think I'm probably too much of a mess for anyone to want anyway. One of those things where if they get to know me they'd probably be too bothered by my baggage to wanna deal with me anyhow. I hate this shit. I really don't wanna be fired, but I can't ever keep myself together for long. And I wish I could be happy for more than a few days, this shit wears me out. Would someone Please kill me, or at least cut out my heart, I'm getting really tired of my chest hurting all the time. I know it's all my emotional shit projecting it's self physically, but that doesn't make it go away. I think it's slowly driving me mad. I like that word, Mad. Sounds more refined than crazy, Of course Crazy always makes me think of the Daria episode where her family eats the berries from the bushes when they're on a camping trip, that was pretty funny.
Of course it doesn't help that I really don't want to get into the real issues. Whatever happened to Mercy? |
| ~~Angel Mercury wastes away @ 3:27 a.m.~~ |
| ~~Saturday, July 19, 2003~~ |
| ~~I'm choking on all my contradictions...~~ |
| Wow, right now I'm totally exahusted z.z
Well this has definetly been quite a week. I'm doing much better, not really too sick anymore, Starting to get to work closer to on time, crying a hell of a lot less, and actually am enjoying being with people again. ^.^ Yay! It all started with my new resolve, then things changed a little and Now I'm once again really confussed with myself, but at least now I'm not unhappy.
Satuday was they day I first gained my new resolve. I decided that I will try again, and I will keep tring for the things I want until they are mine, or I know for certain that they are completely unatainable. At this time my ultimate wish is simple, to be Happy, but to get there there are only two things that can give me it, and right now, at least I thought, one of those things is Rocky. (don't worry, this gets rather interessting soon!) Anywho I talked to Rob about it, explaining that as much as I'd like to just pick up and move on, right now my heart won't let go of Rocky and I can't help but feel like I have to be there for him, have to keep trying.
So, with all this new energy I was sure I would be on time to work and get stuff done for class, well, Tuesday that didn't exactly happen... I was REALLY late for work -.- I'm probably in serious trouble. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't hire me back for fall ;.; but if I can stay good for the rest of the summer, maybe I'll be ok. It's not like I didn't have my reasons, I was seriously getting very sick and not sleeping well and all of that. Every few mornings I would either vomit what I had eaten the night before, eaten that morning, or whatever fluids were in my stomach if there was no food stuffs. Then I'd be nautious for the next 2-3 hours. Anywho, that morning I overslept and pissed myself off, then got sick on the way to work in front of my co worker Alex >.< I didn't want anyone to see that but... When I was finally feeling better I aproched Rocky, a little cautious cause of the bad start, and told him I wouldn't give up on him, I wouldn't back down until I knew. I asked him why he had left me and I was right. He didn't leave me cause he didn't love me, I knew it! He left me because he 'wanted to focus on his art, and had to work a lot' and because there is something bothering him, hurting him that holds him back. The first excuses I know very well, heard them before, and have even said them, but they're not real, just things you say to excuse running away. If those were the reasons he wouldn't have pushed me away so harshly and we would've been able to talk about it and work things out. A married man would not (should not) get divorced just because he's having a rough time at work and needs to put in mass overtime for a few weeks. What I had felt and know now was the problem was this last idem, the one that's really holding him back but he refuses to let go of. He's holding tight to his pain, and won't let anyone help him. He said he got through it in high school alone and was fine but that's not true. If he had gotten past it, it wouldn't be hurting him, or the people he loves now. It would be part of who he is, making him better, not a deamon trying to hide his heart. I told him I wouldn't give up and I wouldn't let him do it alone, that he couldn't, that I've been there and felt it, he said it was a dark road and that I probably didn't have the sanity to do it, I said that's why I Could do it. He Challenged me. He wants to fight for his misery and I will win. Why? I know I can, and I know that I am stronger. I'm stronger because I have lived through pain and suffering and moved foreward letting myself truely live, and I have made my suffering my strength, he has not. I'm well prepared for any road I'm givin and will walk it to the end, or die trying. Rocky, I will not let you hit the ground and I will not let you suffer alone, no matter how hard you fight.
Wednesday I finally got to hang out with Kibblesmith. YES!!! It was awesome, I was really happy to finally start doing something other than going home and downloading and watching anime. He showed me all around Oak park and then we got together with some of his friends and went to the museum of contemporay art cause we wanted to see John Malkovich but we got there too late so him and I got Ice Cream and then everyone else got food at Johny Rockets. It was a fun night and the first night I had a really good time since everything had started. After a month of crying I'm back ^.~ We talked about friends, which got me thinking, I don't think I have a lot of friends, but I do. More like I consider lots of people friends but don't really hang out with them. Jenny, Meredith, and Rob all live in the subburbs so I don't see them often and until the last couple of days I didn't have anyone to hangout with other than Rocky, and though I am his friend, it's still a little awkward, and I feel like I don't have the right to call him yet (will cure this soon). See I have a really bad habit that I don't seem to learn from. I tend to fall for, or at least date guys I become friends with, or work with. This is most likely because if we have something in common and I want to spend time with them then I want to pursue that and see if it can grow. Problem is that then I meet his friends and hang out with people he knows cause my friends aren't the same type of people or live in the burbs or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind this too much since this systems seems to put me in relationships with really wonderful people that I can really get along with well, it's just that when the relationship ends I end up with no one to hang out with, though I know that I do have people to support me. I also don't really connect as well with girls, only a few, and have trouble really opening up and reaching out to others, but that's why my best friends are so important and are very close to me even though they are all so different.
Anywho, on the way home I was very satisfied, though I think I may have been a little... flirty? with Kibble but it was fun, specially since I found out he's Uber ticklish. So I was sitting on the trian thinking about everything that was happening and realized something. I don't care if Rocky never wants me back, well I do, but I'll be fine if he doesn't, As long as I can be there and help him. In fact I feel I need to be there for him, but as much as I love him, I don't necessarly need to be his lover. Can I garentee this feeling will continue? Well I confess it's had me running all over myself confussed. I won't really know until I see him again and that's not for at least another week. Odd, I had just declaired that I would not give him up until he had truely rejected me, or had married another girl, and now I was sitting on the 'L' thinking, 'If I don't spend the rest of my life in his arms I will still be happy with someone, somewhere...' wooo... wait a sec... However I will never abandon my will to show him that he needs to let the world into his heart to really live, and I will not hide that I do love him.
Thursday I was pretty well, though my confussion over the whole matter did upset me for a little while, I recovered and then had Jenny over for Chinese food, Harry Potter 2, and a game of Settlers. Alex came by for HP2 which was really nice, and then Brian got home with Kristin and played settlers with us.
After another week of highs and lows and mass confussion of my feelings. I sit waitting to see just how things will unfold in the future and will let things come as they do. Now I am home in the burbs and tomarrow I Celebrate my brothers birthday. Jen and James are pregnate, how lovely (She's 19-20... ho-boy) ^.^ Meredith is now official with John. Mom seems happy though her sisters funural is next weekend. I need to make time to see my dad, Jenny needs to find a job. I want someone to love of my own, And the world spins it's way into tomarrow. |
| ~~Angel Mercury is terminally loyal @ 3:28 a.m.~~ |
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| Previous Hearts |
July 19th, 2003 ~ Feb 19th, 2003
Feb 19th, 2003 ~ Sept 22th, 2002
Sept 22th, 2002 ~ May 29th, 2002
May 29th, 2002 ~ Mar 12th, 2002
Feb 21th, 2002 ~ Feb 12th, 2002
Feb 11th, 2002 ~ Nov 28th, 2001
Nov 28th, 2001 ~ Aug. 28th, 2001
July 28th, 2001 ~ July 6th, 2001
July 2th, 2001 ~ June 15th, 2001
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